Months of research and study have culminated in the history department’s release of a 250-page report proving definitively that the prominent Roman leader Julius Caesar did not actually attend Dartmouth and in truth had no relationship with the institution whatsoever.
Janice Hopkins, a tenured professor in the History department, weighed in on the new finding: “I think you could say this took us all by surprise. Most people know that Julius Caesar was the Dictator of the Roman Republic from 49 BC to 44 BC, but what people don’t realize is that Dartmouth College actually wasn’t even founded for another 1,813 years after that!”
The discovery was the result of countless hours spent scrutinizing the literature surrounding Julius Caesar. “I must have read through hundreds of books on the subject,” explained History major Johnathan Kim ‘20. “Did you know that out of the almost 20,000 words in Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, not a single one of them is ‘Dartmouth’?”
“We also found proof that Julius Caesar’s famous ‘I came, I saw, I conquered’ line was, in fact, not referring to his performance in Gov 5,” clarified Holly Greenwich, a ’22 minoring in European History. “Not only that, but half the curriculum for Gov 5 wasn’t even conceived of yet!”
Biology Major Tim Kentworth ’23 was critical of the recent report. “Julius Caesar was, like, long dead by the time Dartmouth was founded. Why is this news?”
“STEM people are always beating up on the history department,” contended Hopkins. “They just don’t get the importance of the research we’re conducting here.”
This shocking development comes just a month after the department published a paper proving that the famous Great Wall of China was not built on Dartmouth’s campus and was, in actuality, constructed in the East Asian country of China.
